Sweet Solitude
11 Aug 2009 2 Comments
in Reflecting
From all the chaos and festivities during the year, I didn’t have much time to contemplate. So I guess it got all built up until summer began, when the sweet sound of silence and solitude embraced me. That was when it soaked in, when it came crashing down. It was the internal gravitational collapse, the formation of the black hole.
Waves of deep cynicism washed my soul in shades of gray. Giving into meaningless routines and simply going through the motions just to get by. Hopeless, jaded, apathetic, depressed… it was pathetic. Sinking deeper and deeper in to the darkness, I realized I had to get out quick before it consumed me. Too late, it stayed that way for a long time.
BAM
Rock Bottom.
I can’t go through life being the backseat driver forever. I can’t let myself fall off the face of the earth. I can’t keep pushing everyone and everything away. I can’t let it consume me. I knew this from the start though.
I got myself here so I’m going to get myself out. That’s right, I know this now.
No more living like a hermit, no more wallowing in this meaningless self-hate, no more.
Live mighty, live brightly… I’m BACK!
Black Hole
04 Aug 2009 1 Comment
in Statements
“This tunnel is endless and freakin’ dammit it i don’t see any light! Where did my spirit go? Where did that enthusiasm go? What the hell went wrong?!”
It’s the human tragedy to realize our limits and be so utterly pitiful about it. Bound to the limits of habit and chained to an endless journey, the eyes have lost its shine. The evils unveil the rosy curtain, and faced with the cruelty of this world. Jaded and cynical, the sun no longer brings joy.
Letting go, but there was nothing to let go of in the beginning. Trying so hard to forget what has never even been remembered. Listless, lethargic, and lame. Easily forgotten, easily thrown out.
Once bright and brilliant, came time for hypernova.
A black hole in the making.
Furry Obsession
22 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
I’ve always gone goo-goo eyed around cute furry animals, and I’ve always wanted to get a pet but never seem to have the time to take care of one and my parents are opposed to having a dog or cat for various reasons. I used to have Beta fish as pets, but they don’t live too long and aren’t that fun. It is about time that I’ve set my goal on having a pet!
Dogs need a lot of time, care, and money (keep in mind I’m a poor college kid lol), although it’d be my ideal pet. Cats are nice, but they shed too much and I’m not quite sure I’d like to give a cat a bath. Rabbits smell quite a bit, so I’m not quite sure about that. After some research and consideration, I’ve decided that a chinchilla would be the perfect pet for me =).
1. They take dust baths, so no water needed =D
2. They’re nocturnal, so I can work without worry during the day and play/care for it when I get home =D
3. They’re hypo-allergenic and never get fleas
4. Simple (though restricted) diet
5. They’re generally quiet
6. They’ve got the softest fur
7. Lastly, they are freakin’ ADORABLE!!!
Too bad they don’t allow them in the dorms T_T
I mean, look, how can you resist this!
One in a Million
19 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
They say one in a million as if it’s the one and only. I can’t help but to think that there’s 6 billion and counting people on this earth. If it’s one in a million, then how many would that be per billion? how about 6 billion? Who you meet is a combination of fate and the efforts that you make to find it. So let it be.
Authenticity
17 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Reflecting
It struck me one day, that no matter how hard I try to be myself, to be an individual, the less “me” I became. I was once told that “there’s freakin’ 6 billion other people on this earth…” to hell with originality. There’s going to be people out there who will have similar if not the same thoughts, emotions, and experiences.
The one thing that can only give merit to the these recurring thoughts and ideas are only if they are born from personal understanding. It’s like math. It’s not enough to know that 1 plus 1 equals 2 or that 2 times 2 is four, it takes some sort of innate understanding that is beyond the rote programming and memorization. This is what distinguishes rational beings from the artificial intelligence of machines and robots.
Regurgitation means nothing in comparison to realization.
Parking Problems
14 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in Reflecting
Having to deal with rush-hour on a daily basis, I honestly don’t mind getting stuck in traffic mid-day in a hot and arid July. Parking however, is a different story. It is nearly impossible to find a parking space at work on a daily basis already, but Monday was apparently a free day at the Museum and parking was unfathomably ridiculous! The tiny parking lot AND the garage were full and yet there were still dozens of cars circulating around, hunting for a spot while many more come rushing in from the congested main boulevard. It took me a whopping 1 hour just to find a parking space, and yes that is the amount of time spent JUST circulating the freakin’ puny parking lot.
But that’s not the best part.
After my long search for a spot, there was hope! I found an open space to my right! But just as I come close, these girls come out of nowhere and just sat there. COME ON! The vehicles were viciously fighting for spots already, do you really need to personally go out and squat on the ground like that! Vicious people I tell you. I make another round, back to the same spot, they’re still squatting there. Thankfully there was another car to my left that was about to get out, but there was another car opposite of me also looking for a spot with a few cars stuck behind it. It was a showdown for sure. The car that those brats squatted for finally shimmies into what would have been my spot, so I etched forward on the offense, getting ready for a showdown. Just as I was focusing on my target, this woman from the vicious party that stole my spot demanded that I move out of the way so that they could realign and dismissed that the other car I was battling with was going to get that other spot. THE NERVE OF HER! I WORK HERE!
Now, I did not have time to fight with inconsiderate people so I schooched forward just enough for the monster SUV to reverse. Once that gas-guzzler was tucked into its spot I reveresed to give the car that was about to leave some room to get out. Of course, I’m back to blocking the back of it again and the rude party was obviously offended (with what right I say!? what right?!).
Back to the showdown. It disappated once a second car two spaces away was also about to leave, thus ending my ridiculous parking experience.
Come to think of it, I should have just skipped work instead.
Depth or Escape?
22 Jun 2009 2 Comments
So I’ve been reading Kafka on the Shore all day waiting for the scanner to scan just 3 drawers worth of butterflies. The whole day I spent in seclusion, ear-buds in my ears listening to music and losing myself in Murakami’s narratives. It was a another one of those “alone and disconnected but contented” experience. Alone in my own world, without internet, I am still very much alive within myself.
I dig deeper inside myself, to discover what else laid beneath that dark abyss that exists in each of us, being pushed further with every page I read. I begin to wonder, is it possible to dig so deep that you lose your sense of self while in search of yourself? Is it possible too lose yourself within yourself? Or is this just an escape from reality?
Escapist. Entertainment is a form of escape from the mundane reality and the darkness that evades us. By escaping, we ignore the world around us and try to find a sense of comfort in an intangible paradise, because a tangible pardise does not exist. Isn’t that a form of shallowness?
The irony, is that when we dig deeper inside and become swallowed in this inner darkness — we are escaping the world. In escaping the external darkness, we find ourselves in the internal darkness. Shallow and at once, deep.
Maybe it’s just a bunch of mumbo jumbo, or have I gone so deep that it’s shallow?
There’s Just Something About Light
21 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment
In the past few weeks, I’ve come across the recurring theme of “light.” It’s something that affects us and we perceive all the time but never come to truly notice or appreciate it.
We can see because of light, the things that we can perceive are caused by the reflection of light off of the object. Seasonal depression occurs because in the winter time, there’s very little sunlight. We need light to be happy and healthy, in moderation, sunlight is a good source of vitamin D also! Plants need sunlight to have photosynthesis to occur, and in turn provide food for omnivores like humans or for other herbivores that are eaten by omnivores and carnivores (yea, remember that whole food chain thing? haha). Light can affect our moods as well as the atmosphere.
In more figurative ideas and such, light is often likened to hope, such as the “light at the end of the tunnel,” “a beacon of hope,” “you light up my day,” and so on.
Light is also very important in photography (literally; photo=light, graphy=to record), as well as cinematography. As humans, we can’t deny our relationship with light, heck we’ve even made artificial light to feed our purposes.
I’m not quite sure how I want to deliver it, but I just wanted to just put it out there: that there’s just something about light that is so powerful and beautiful.
Hello Hello
16 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment
in Reflecting
I’m still alive! Yes, I admit that I have sort of disappeared for a little while but not to fear all is good, just very busy! Finals were a pain as they always are, but went swell thankfully. So far summer’s not that summery, except for the weather, of which I truly appreciate the rain that keeps it from becoming sweltering hot. I honestly don’t recall Denver having that much rain this season in the past, GASP! Maybe it IS global warming.
Ok, let’s not go there.
Recently I am taking a photography class and starting on my scanning project of the Riker Butterfly Collection. Today was the first day of class and it was a very interesting and long experience. The professor had a very distinct Irish accent and a very lively personality. The class seems to be enjoyable, but it might take me a while to fully understand cameras. I never realized how nit-picky and annoying technology can be. There are so many types and configurations for cameras, and not to mention the different types and configurations for other technological devices out there! My goodness! Apple recently changed their line of MacBook Pros, going from 3 to 6 types of MacBook Pros (now that calls for a whole ‘nother rant haha!).
I’m starting to discover the depth of potentials in my 4 year old 6.0 megapixel camera. I’m aware that there are now cameras that can go up to or even beyond 12.1 megapixels, but honestly, mine works just as fine if not better. What’s the point of having higher megapixels if all you’re going to do is just post it on FaceBook? If you’re printing, sure, but if it’s staying digital, who cares? Anywho, back to the point: even though my camera is 4 years old and pretty “outdated” it still confuses a tech geek like me (well, I’m not that great but I know enough to be useful haha). There are so many functions, so many settings and configurations, and silly me forgot where I put the freakin’ manual.
Aside from the tech frustrations, I’m excited to discover new potentials in my trusty camera! Hopefully this will encourage me to be more diligent in recording things daily, whatever form it is (blog, photo, sketchbook, or even an old-fashioned diary).
Well, that’s my stream of consciousness for today! Good night and sweet dreams.
Time
16 May 2009 Leave a Comment
Time is not something we own, it is its own natural mechanism. It can heal, destroy, and erase. Life happens. Some move on, some live in the past, and others are too busy planning to enjoy what’s right in front of them.
At certain points in my life, there are songs that just hits the soul. Not because it has a good beat (though it helps), but because it poetically expresses in words and sounds that I cannot.
There are a number of times where this was what I felt:
[Keane, Is it any wonder?]
I.. I always thought that I knew
I’d always have the right to
be living in the kingdom of the good and true and so on
But now I think I was wrong
and you were laughing along
And now I look a fool for thinking you were on…
My side,
Is it any wonder I’m tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don’t know what’s right?
Sometimes it’s hard to know where I stand,
it’s hard to know where I am,
Well maybe it’s a puzzle I don’t understand.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m
stranded in the wrong time
where love is just a lyric in a children’s rhyme, a soundbite
Chorus:
Is it any wonder I’m tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don’t know what’s right?
Oh, these days, after all the misery you made,
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid?
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed?
Nothing left inside this bold cathedral,
just the sad, lonely spires,
How do you make it right?
Oh, but you try,
(Chorus)
[End]
And so as time goes by, I think this song represents my current state:
[Jack Johnson, Upside Down]
Who’s to say
What’s impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There’s no stopping curiosity
Chorus:
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I’ll find the things they say just can’t be found
I’ll share this love I find with everyone
We’ll sing and dance to Mother Nature’s songs
I don’t want this feeling to go away
Who’s to say
I can’t do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren’t always just what they seem
(Chorus)
This world keeps spinning and there’s no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and
Upside down
Who’s to say what’s impossible and can’t be found
I don’t want this feeling to go away
[End]
